To Believe, or Not to Believe . . .

Today, one of my clients managed to bypass all firewalls on a school laptop in order to download pornography from a wireless connection. The content of what he downloaded is not only inappropriate because it is sexually graphic, but because of what it does to this young man.

It always starts out with an overwhelming amount of emotion. Too much stress. Too much pain. He looks at a little porn, just to escape the world for a few minutes. To feel a false sense of peace.

The pain awaits him when he returns to the real world. All the stress, all the emotion await him as well. He continues to return to the pornography for a peace that wanes over time. Before long, the peace it offers no longer exists.

The pornography no longer serves it's purpose. What else will take him away from this world? Maybe touching himself. Or someone else. Maybe exposing himself. These behaviors begin to manifest in a form that would appear relatively normal, until the peace these things provide, like the pornography, slowly vanish. Then these behaviors intensify.

Then what?

What is left? Where else will he turn for this false sense of control and happiness?

Here he is again. Feeling a void, a pain. Inappropriate notes. Pornography. What's next???

Historically, this pattern has resulted in an offense for this young man. Hurting others.

I want to believe the cycle is ending. At times he seems so sincere about ending all this. Other times, he seems to feel nothing for anyone.

He has been talking to me about his faith, how he wants be rid of his addictions and cycles and offenses, so he can be closer to God, be a better person. Stop hurting himself, his family, victims, Christ.

And here he is again, going through the same pattern. The same cycle. I reported the pornography to his mother, who has supported, loved, and prayed ceaselessly for her son.

She didn't have to say it. Here heart was broken. She is also aware of the pattern. The warning signs. And now, along with myself, I think she's asking herself, believe or not believe???

Does he care? Really? Does he wants this to stop? Really? Are his words of remorse sincere? Are his payers sincere? Will he hurt someone else? When will this stop?

These are questions I ask just as someone who cares. As someone who has prayed for this kid, with this kid. Empathized with him. I hope I never have to feel what this mother is feeling. To wander these things from a parent's perspective. I couldn't imagine. My mom has always told me I should begin praying for my kids before I have them. She's right.