Friday, October 26, 2012

2 step plan

1) Write. Send yourself a text. Email your own account. Blog. Something. Something about pen on paper is special, but so is hitting that send or publish button. Its gone. Its out there. Out of you and somewhere else. Whether you hide it away on paper or send it off to Electronic Land, it clarifies the craziness. Outlines it.

2) After you got all that crazy condensed into words, take 'em to God. I don't say 'pray' for a reason. Sometimes I start to pray and 'start' is as far as I get. Just that step of surrendering to His presence in the mess, turning to Him, its enough. I stand before Him and He offers relief. Just enough for the night. Just enough so I have to come back tomorrow.

If I just surrender to it.

Step 1)
Step 2)
Step 2)
Step 2)

MOG 102612

Not sleeping well. Not sleeping well at all.
Lots of unpleasant dreams. Nightmares.

Back in high school failing math with an a-hole teacher. Falling-outs with my mom, who I have a great relationship with in real life, and huge fights with my brother, who I don't really even talk to all that much. Abandoned and hated by friends. Alone. So alone. Revisiting places where I once thought I mattered to find I didn't ever matter at all.

Waking up feeling extra aware of gravity pulling my body into the mattress. Heavy and unable to move. I feel myself being torn from my body and it hurts. I strain my mind to stay inside and reassure myself it's not real and I'm suddenly left alone with just a rapid heartbeat as I'm shocked back into consciousness.

Anxiousness knotted in my stomach. Angry. Hurting. Scared. Lonely.
Most likely the aftermath of some sort of night-terror.
Or the residual effects of all the dreams.

Waiting for it to leave me. Waiting for calm to come.
Realizing God is a prayer away, yet I distance Him in this haze.

I'm going to wake my wife. Tell her I love her. Share with her this wretch. Just to feel. To connect. Then wake my soul to speak to its creator. Share with Him this wretch. Just to feel. To connect.

More blessed. More blessed than I believe.
I know but don't perceived.
Its all there but out of reach.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

GA/TN Bound

Finishing up packing and hitting the sack.
Tomorrow we are flying out to the GA/TN area!

Can't wait to see my brothers-and-sister-in-law!
And fall leaves ;-)

I need this time away. Too bad I have to write two research papers for school while I'm gone... But I'm off work for a whole week, so I'm not complaining!

Surrounding myself with fresh vibes might be just what I need to get out of this weirdo funk I'm in! Bring on the vacay!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I might be getting old and crotchety...

... and I think I'm okay with that. Been seeing some nasty stuff lately. Normal people keep that trash to themselves! Social networking has blurred the boundaries and good 'ol fashion shame just ain't what she used to be...


Friday, October 19, 2012

hold fast

Love regardless...

... as you have been loved by Love, Himself.

MOG 101912

Down. Then up.
Then a little too up.

Somethings gotta give. Right?

The meds that were prescribed to me to get me out of the slumps did just that. They lifted me up. And up. And up.

I started feeling great.
Really great.

And then?

After a wonderful week, I'm falling face first in another mucky mess. This time around its anxiety. Ironically I just wrote a research paper on how antidepressants can cause mania and high levels of anxiety in bipolar people and those who have both anxiety and depression.

Depression is treated by uppers. Anxiety is treated by downers. Its complicated when you're caught between the two. It all just makes me feel downright crazy.

Do meds help? Do meds make things worse? Are these problems real? Are they just in my head? Is it possible I should just be able to snap myself out of this? These are some of the thoughts triggered by this roller coaster.

And my anxieties? The usual.

Yay mental health.
Or drama I should just snap out of.
Or whatever the hell this is...

Saturday, October 13, 2012


The King and His horses, and all the King's men...
Managed to put me together again.

I guess that makes me Humpty.
I could list several of the King's men in my life.
But who are the horses? Hm... heheh

God always sees me through the dark times. Always.

The way my brain is wired, the way those chemical and electric signals are fired off somewhere in my gourd, it's like I'm standing on a wall. That's my life. Standing on a wall.

One side is all balloons and streamers.
The other side, no bueno.

But whether I'm balancing somewhere in the middle or fallen to one side or the other, God always sees me through.

Friends, family, my wife. His word. Pharmaceuticals.
Some extra sleep. Some beautiful weather.
Blessings that keep me tethered to Hope.

And with some time, all the pieces of my shell have been put back together like a puzzle.
Yolk intact.

Scale: One! I have these fleeting thoughts of worthlessness that are easily swept away with a quick prayer and a healthy reality check. Then, presto! Gone.

And maybe those thoughts are what is keeping me dependent on Him.
And if that's the case... I'll count them as blessings. I think? heheh...

Thank you, my King, and to all of His men.
And, yes, even to His horses, whoever they may be.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Thursday, October 11, 2012

identity in Him.

Your value before God is unconditional and constant. His love for you is based on His own unchanging grace and mercy, therefore it does not diminish.

Jesus was driven to the cross by the love of His father.
The love of His father was His people.

You. Me. Us.

You were wonderfully made, and you are remade daily in Christ as He transforms you into who He's destined you to be.

That is, if you've accepted His promises as Truth.

This is who you are.
This is your value.
You are God's best.

Knowing you are God's best, you now must be who you are...
Ever changing towards His likeness.

How will you know? How can you tell if you've truly accepted this identity?
Your choices; they will reflect that you belong to Him.

Not to yourself. Not the world. Not your job or even your family.
You belong to Him. So do I.

Intentional, Christ-centered choice making.
This is my most current conviction.

Accepting my identity in Him.
And choosing accordingly.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Safari Serene

*Babbling brooks, bonsai trees, botanical gardens, fall festivities. Two chapters into a new book. Bible, prayer, meditation. Cool breeze. Hot tea. Deep breathing. Two hours of Safari Serene. 

we ARE and we DO

Ever since Adam and Eve nibbled on the naughty fruit, man has sought to sooth his own self-doubt and erect himself as god. Even as followers of Christ, we struggle to find our own identity. We long to know our significance and purpose.

Do you find yourself ever pondering these things?
If not, email me and share your secret to success!

In the Book of Ephesians, Paul writes, “For we are the workmanship of God, created in Christ Jesus, to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.-Ephesians 2:10

In this single verse we find answers to some of the most puzzling questions that have troubled man’s mind since the beginning of time.

WHO AM I?…the workmanship of God, created in Christ Jesus.

The Greek word for ‘workmanship’ used in this verse is more directly translated to ‘masterpiece,’ and that’s exactly what we are in the eyes of our maker. We have been redeemed and forgiven of sin because of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. In American culture, inflated egos are ‘a must’ if you want to succeed by worldly means, so a lot of people would agree that they’re a masterpiece. Unfortunately, a majority of these people believe they are a self-made masterpiece and fail to recognize that all that’s good within them is actually God.

WHY AM I HERE?… to do good works which God has prepared in advance…

These words encompass both our purpose and our potential. God has a plan for each of us; a plan involving good works that draw glory to Him. Are you willing to set aside the pursuit of your own glory for the pursuit of His? The greatest honor we could ever hope to achieve is calling ourselves an obedient servant of God.

We are not self-made. In fact, we were not only made by God, but are remade daily in Jesus Christ. We are here to honor Him in all we do, whether cashing in sizeable salaries or sweeping sidewalks for mere cents.

We ARE and we DO for HIM alone.

Discovering what this means will answer the infinite questions:  Who am I? Why am I here?

We ARE and we DO for HIM alone.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

MOG 100712

God is faithful.

I am desperate for Him.
And He is dependable.


The light at the end of the tunnel? I'm not exactly dancing in it yet, but I'm definitely seeing it.

Maybe even stepping out into it a little...
Thank you, Lord.

          *somewhere around a 1 or 2 now

Friday, October 5, 2012

MOG 100512

Although its requiring a lot of effort to redirect my thoughts, overall, I'm feeling a little better today. Probably from, like... maybe a seven or eight down to a four or five... I hate numeric scales and assessments, but its a big part of cognitive behavior therapy and, as a budding clinician, I will have to accommodate to them eventually anyways. Might as well get some practice with my own mood tracking...

autumn blues

When you can just barely see your breathe in the cool night air.

Crisp mornings when the grass crunches with frost.

The sweet smell of Autumn leaves swirling with the smoky scent of countryside fires.

Salted peanuts, candy corn, and red-hots, all mixed together and sealed in a jar. Festive and delicious. Try it!

Apple cider. Parched corn. Baked butternut squash filled to the brim with brown sugar and butter.

Trees ignited in brilliant hues of yellow, orange, and red. 
An extra blanket or two on the bed. 

Hoodies and chilly noses. Tingling fingers after a loooong walk.
Cider pressed from apples right out of my parents' backyard.

And that smell... Did I mention that smell?

It's October. And I guess you could say I'm just a smidgen homesick.

*Thanks for posting this beautiful picture, Alyssa!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

MOG 100412

Sometimes I seek reassurance and find myself fulfilled. Other times I end up sorely disappointed. Maybe today I'll be uplifted by loving words; perhaps tomorrow I will feel inferior after any given interaction.

Its all in my perception.
Cognitive distortions.

Then again, could it be that I interpret these social exchanges exactly as God wills me to? Maybe I need to feel uplifted today and inferior tomorrow. Maybe this is His plan for me.

Or maybe these are not distortions; maybe this is reality.

Attempting to push through is exhausting. It's as though my mind operates solely to ruminate over every word said or left unsaid, evaluating my worth and ability to be loved or valued wholly as a person, with or without any convenience or inconvenience I might be in other's lives.

It's effecting my life more than I'd ever care to admit. Despite picking up a ridiculous number of hours, my work ethic has slipped and school hasn't been the priority it was a few weeks ago. After months of dedicated dieting and weight-loss I have managed to pack ten pounds back on in the past three weeks, and under stress and depression I have had significant hairloss. I'm questioning myself and relationships, and worst of all, I have failed to rely on God for strength.

It does seem I've found some relief the past couple days, and am praying the light progressively overwhelms the dark. I am able to apply things I'm learning in school to my own struggles and know that God is always close to the brokenhearted.

Hope shimmers.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

today or everyday?

living hope

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

1 Peter 1:3-9

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

"The God who made you is mightier than any desease that attacks you."