Not sure why, but there's an angry swarm of bees in my belly.
Add a pinch of pessimism and a dollop of dysthymia.
That's not a nice recipe.
Sitting here, exactly where we were sitting six years and five days ago, in the same twinkling light of the Christmas tree, and just about this exact same hour of night.Thats when the phone rang and we got that call that Marva was murdered.
Strangled to death. By him. Her boyfriend. Her son's father. My friend.
And here, now, at this exact place and exact time, we sit watching a Channel 13 News' segment featuring Marva's story as an example of how convicts incarcerated for violent crimes can be released early from their sentence for "good time" and participating in different programs offered to them in prison.
The segment was originally aired in October, but fate's irony wasn't lost that this should be the exact place and exact time we should first watch it.
Her killer was originally sentenced twenty years for manslaughter but immediately "earned" ten years off.
In some states, like Indiana, a convict chips away one extra day from his sentence for every one day he serves on "good behavior." Its kinda like a 2-for-1 deal. But the math doesn't quite come out right. He never served the first ten years in order to shave away the other ten years.
He shaved off two more years for obtaining a business degree and one more year for obtaining another degree in applied sciences. He lost six months for participating in a character development program and another six months for completing a substance abuse treatment group. He also managed to get out of an additional six months of his sentence for agreeing to a work-release program.
A twenty year sentence, a lost life, all wiped away in about five and a half years.
From time to time, it overwhelms me. All these thoughts... these raw emotions... and again I find myself sitting...
exactly where we were...
"... For the Lord will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants... for he avenges the blood of his children and takes vengeance on his adversaries..." Deuteronomy 32:35-36, 43
Individualism and westernized thinking are not compatible with the teachings of Christ. Take His birth, for example. Jesus exemplified downward mobility by stepping out of splendor into suffering and servitude for the benefit of all mankind, even up to the point of His own torture and death. The 'American dream' to work hard and achieve greatness contradicts our calling to humbly serve one another and bring glory to God's name by sharing the joys of our salvation in Him. This grace is unearned, undeserved, yet freely given.
Well... the world didn't end yesterday as the Mayans predicted it would. The jury is out as to whether or not thats a good or bad thing.
Today... or is it yesterday? Geesh, with working overnight shifts, my days are hard to define... Anyhow, its been rough. I just can't catch a break. Its been one of those days where every little mistake I've made seems to be under a microscope. With all the strange happenings of last night (see previous post), I didn't quite get to everything on my to-do list for work. Normally, this type of thing isn't too much of an issue, but apparently today it was.
My laptop crashed last night. Took it into the Apple store in the mall this morning (MAD HOUSE!) and found out the hard drive is junk :-/ Boo! I've been working on my 2012 wrap-up video and some other creative projects, a few church designs, and preparing for some online courses I'm about to take, so basically I'm up a crazy creek without a stinkin' paddle until the issue is remedied. Suckage.
I've kinda got a cold, my car is being weird, my body is super sore from a ridiculous alligator-role restraint I had to do at work last Wednesday, I keep thinking of things to do that I can't do without my laptop, I'm feeling some holiday stress...
¡Aye de mi!
Feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Just one of those days where all I can do is continually sigh. Seriously. I'm developing a compulsion.
Oh, and my neighbors have a little kid who screamed for over two hours today. Like, really really screamed. I could hear them taunting the poor kiddo. I ended up calling it in, most likely creating some crazy feud amongst residents of the building, but I couldn't help but be concerned... Seriously, at this point in the world you can't be overly worried about the welfare of kids.
Which brings me back to work drama.
Rise up! Stand with godly confidence and conviction! Engage with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Call upon the Spirit of God to empower you! March onto the battlefield with one goal in mind; to bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior. Speak His name and demonstrate His love! Do so with humility, yet know this: there is no greater honor.
Not sleeping well. Not sleeping well at all.
Lots of unpleasant dreams. Nightmares.
Back in high school failing math with an a-hole teacher. Falling-outs with my mom, who I have a great relationship with in real life, and huge fights with my brother, who I don't really even talk to all that much. Abandoned and hated by friends. Alone. So alone. Revisiting places where I once thought I mattered to find I didn't ever matter at all.
Waking up feeling extra aware of gravity pulling my body into the mattress. Heavy and unable to move. I feel myself being torn from my body and it hurts. I strain my mind to stay inside and reassure myself it's not real and I'm suddenly left alone with just a rapid heartbeat as I'm shocked back into consciousness.
Anxiousness knotted in my stomach. Angry. Hurting. Scared. Lonely.
Most likely the aftermath of some sort of night-terror.
Or the residual effects of all the dreams.
Waiting for it to leave me. Waiting for calm to come.
Realizing God is a prayer away, yet I distance Him in this haze.
I'm going to wake my wife. Tell her I love her. Share with her this wretch. Just to feel. To connect. Then wake my soul to speak to its creator. Share with Him this wretch. Just to feel. To connect.
More blessed. More blessed than I believe.
I know but don't perceived.
Its all there but out of reach.
Finishing up packing and hitting the sack.
Tomorrow we are flying out to the GA/TN area!
Can't wait to see my brothers-and-sister-in-law!
And fall leaves ;-)
I need this time away. Too bad I have to write two research papers for school while I'm gone... But I'm off work for a whole week, so I'm not complaining!
Surrounding myself with fresh vibes might be just what I need to get out of this weirdo funk I'm in! Bring on the vacay!
Down. Then up.
Then a little too up.
Somethings gotta give. Right?
The meds that were prescribed to me to get me out of the slumps did just that. They lifted me up. And up. And up.
I started feeling great.
After a wonderful week, I'm falling face first in another mucky mess. This time around its anxiety. Ironically I just wrote a research paper on how antidepressants can cause mania and high levels of anxiety in bipolar people and those who have both anxiety and depression.
Depression is treated by uppers. Anxiety is treated by downers. Its complicated when you're caught between the two. It all just makes me feel downright crazy.
Do meds help? Do meds make things worse? Are these problems real? Are they just in my head? Is it possible I should just be able to snap myself out of this? These are some of the thoughts triggered by this roller coaster.
And my anxieties? The usual.
Yay mental health.
Or drama I should just snap out of.
Or whatever the hell this is...
God is faithful.
I am desperate for Him.
And He is dependable.
The light at the end of the tunnel? I'm not exactly dancing in it yet, but I'm definitely seeing it.
Maybe even stepping out into it a little...
Thank you, Lord.
*somewhere around a 1 or 2 now
Although its requiring a lot of effort to redirect my thoughts, overall, I'm feeling a little better today. Probably from, like... maybe a seven or eight down to a four or five... I hate numeric scales and assessments, but its a big part of cognitive behavior therapy and, as a budding clinician, I will have to accommodate to them eventually anyways. Might as well get some practice with my own mood tracking...
Sometimes I seek reassurance and find myself fulfilled. Other times I end up sorely disappointed. Maybe today I'll be uplifted by loving words; perhaps tomorrow I will feel inferior after any given interaction.
Its all in my perception.
Then again, could it be that I interpret these social exchanges exactly as God wills me to? Maybe I need to feel uplifted today and inferior tomorrow. Maybe this is His plan for me.
Or maybe these are not distortions; maybe this is reality.
Attempting to push through is exhausting. It's as though my mind operates solely to ruminate over every word said or left unsaid, evaluating my worth and ability to be loved or valued wholly as a person, with or without any convenience or inconvenience I might be in other's lives.
It's effecting my life more than I'd ever care to admit. Despite picking up a ridiculous number of hours, my work ethic has slipped and school hasn't been the priority it was a few weeks ago. After months of dedicated dieting and weight-loss I have managed to pack ten pounds back on in the past three weeks, and under stress and depression I have had significant hairloss. I'm questioning myself and relationships, and worst of all, I have failed to rely on God for strength.
It does seem I've found some relief the past couple days, and am praying the light progressively overwhelms the dark. I am able to apply things I'm learning in school to my own struggles and know that God is always close to the brokenhearted.
More drugs. More and more drugs. Do they alleviate or exacerbate this mess? I'm sitting in the pharmacy waiting for a prescription of mood stabilizers and anti-depressants to be filled.
I met with my psychiatrist today. He's taken good care of me so far, so I'm just going to go with it and pray harder.
I've slept less than four hours within the past two days. I feel fragile, like the slightest impact could shatter me. I'm sure some of that is simply a result of the vulnerability of this whole process of appointments, etc., but it's unpleasant. I just want to skip school and call off work so I can crawl into bed, regardless of whether or not I will actually sleep.
But alas, forward ho! Grabbing some coffee then off to class.