And the repair is free!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
It all goes dark. Everything around me fades.
The tree. The branches. The woman on the bench. The man standing with me.
The light. My wife laying in the grass. The baby in her arms.
All fading. I am waking. It's gone.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Actually pumped for school.
I had my notebook.
I had my laptop.
I had my research paper I've spent way too many hours writing.
My research paper that is due tonight.
I stepped out the door and saw it immediately.
My flat tire. My super flat tire.
Primed. Prepped. Pumped. Paper.
Oh, well. Thank God for great Triple A service.
And for professors who accept assignments via email.
- Mom left Sunday morning. It was great having her around. Miss her already!
- Work is... crazy? I was just about ready to mentally check-out a little, then BAM! I received some great encouragement. Everyday is a challenge! Can't complain about it being boring.
- I just finished my first research paper for grad school. It was just a baby paper. Five pages. But its the first one I've written in a LONG time. Took me a while to get it done, but I'm feeling good about it!
- On Sunday I got to hear that cute baby Jude say 'duck' and 'roar.' Yeah. It was epic.
- I have one day off a week with my wife. It happens to be the same day as men's Bible study, so I don't go. However, my wife spent her day off this week getting some much deserved R&R with her chicas, so I made it to the Irish pub to hang out with some good men and read about the Spirit coming down on the gentiles. And I had a martini. Good times.
- Draw Something? Its amazing! Words With Friends? So old school! Ah, the time-wasting-joys of apps.
- Guess who has a fully operating car trunk now... This guy! Oh, yeah! After months of no trunk, I feel whole again! And, I even fixed it myself!!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
So yeah, the evening was good, but it wasn't what I hoped. The call just put a damper on it.
And tonight? Well, today was wonderful. Flower fields. Great evening in class. Wonderful meal out. BAM! Lost my wallet. I have a couple ideas of where it could be, and neither option is good. I seriously had such a great day, and I was so sleepy I just couldn't wait to crawl into bed and get the sleep I've been lacking lately. But the stress of losing my wallet, calling every place I may have lost it, tearing through our cars, flipping the house upside down.... has me wired.
Two days of unexpected buzz-kills. Boo!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
He's been in the hospital. Then he got out. Then he went in again. Then he got out again.
And then he left. He went home to his mother. And then, oh yes, there's another 'and then'...
And then he went back to the hospital. And now he's out. Now he's back.
He's not returning to his mother. The fact that he beat her up within the first twenty-four hours she had him in her own care proves it's just not the best option.
His illness is heartbreaking. He will never be well again. And here I am, worried about me. You see, like I said, he is my kid. He responds to me. He loves me. And I love him.
I have taken responsibility to managing the mental and emotional space he is in, even though I understand this is not my job. Unfortunately, I've developed such a sensitivity to his moods that I exhaust myself in attempt to counterbalance him. I also realize the egocentric-ism in that, and I see that its not only unhealthy for me, but for him as well.
Please pray. Pray for this kid's heart and mind. Pray he has peace. Pray he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else. Pray for his mother. And pray for me. Pray that I let go. Pray that I hold on. Pray that I do whatever it is that God wants me to.
Pray I do it well. Pray I am well while I do it. Thanks.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I'm enjoying the learning process, and I like practicing.
The nice thing about the electric bass is that you can practice while pretty much doing anything as long as you're not plugged into an amp.
The problem is... my finger tips can only take so much practicing. I tried to pick it up for a little more play time tonight and my poor index finger just couldn't take it!
Hoping to callus quickly! And catching on quickly would be nice, too :-)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I'm also interested in learning more about them.
I guess I've acquired a new oddity!
Thy Republican Neighbor.
Thy Democrat Neighbor.
Thy Illegal Immigrant Neighbor.
Thy Legal Immigrant Neighbor.
Thy Non-English Speaking Neighbor.
Thy Tattooed, Pierced, and Gauged-out Neighbor.
Thy Neighbor on birth-control.
Thy Neighbor that Loves our Government/President.
Thy Neighbor that Hates our Government/President.
Thy Neighbor that chooses not to say the Pledge of Allegiance or place their hand over their heart for the Star Spangled Banner and Thy Neighbor that does.
Thy Neighbor that does not love back.
Thy Neighbor that tosses cigarette butts onto other peoples patios and doesn't pick up their dog's poop.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
But when I'm not doing great, when I'm not feeling great, mood logging doesn't seem quite so... great. It seems lame. Negative. And whiny.
The mind melting anxiety has mostly subsided, but I've been getting these sudden pangs of worthlessness. I feel... like fading away. No purpose or function or contribution other than patting other people's back in regards to their own purpose or function or contribution.
Knowing I shouldn't feel this way makes it so much worse.
Knowing I should want to be less, knowing this is completely unchristian...
I don't want to live a life based on smiling and helping people and being kind.
But I should want to.
I hate feeling like this. Where did my contentment go?
blah blah blah blah blah
Monday, March 12, 2012
I will not wait for when the time is right.
I will not wait to build myself up first.
I will not wait to be encouraged.
I will not wait to see a sign first.
I will not wait for perfection.
I will not wait.
I just can't.
I will give.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
The words themselves sound similar.
And sometimes, in real life execution, they look similar, too.
Two, individual cords.
Tangled and knotted together.
When is one needed more than the other?
Or does such a time even exist?
Yet standing on their own.
Or are they?
I feel like I should apologize.
Like I should just feel sick over it.
That I'm lame, that is.
No where near as great as you.
I'm not even trying to be a smart ass here.
My lack of awesomeness has got to seriously hold you back.
Its some sort of charity that you'd even speak to me.
Yet you do. Often.
Not sure why you do that.
Hmm... I'm a pretty cautious guy.
I take baby steps in most areas of life. I'm always waiting for failure. Sometimes, I just plop down on the ground before I even have the chance to fall.
Baby steps. Maybe even back stepping? I don't even touch my guitar anymore. I can't remember the last time I shared something new I've written with an audience. And paint and draw? Photography? And everything else I love to do? I'm just the type of guy that craves affirmation and verbal support. If I'm feeling the slightest bit shaky in something I'm doing, I drop it. I drop it before I trip over it.
Baby steps become no steps becomes falling becomes sitting.
Sitting. Sitting. Sitting.
Until I build my courage back up to take a few more baby steps.
Friday, March 9, 2012
I go back and forth on this question. What is too much?
I don't quite share everything on this blog, but it's purdy darn close...
I usually don't write about anything I wouldn't want to talk about with someone in person.
But that's not always the case.
So, I guess my answer is, "eh, I don't know."
- I have amazing, God-loving friends. They love me with God's love. That's the best kind of friend there is. And the best kind of love.
- I'm toying around with the idea of moving to a nightwatch position at work. Although it will decrease my direct care hours with the youth I serve, it's ideal for a working student taking a full load. IDK... we'll see.
- I've been practicing bass guitar. It's kinda hard to judge how I'm doing, since I don't have an amp. lol! But it's fun and relaxing, and maybe one day I'll muster up enough skill to join the worship team for a set or two.
- I came to work fully prepared today. After a great three days off, I felt refreshed and ready to give my all! There aren't too many 'good' days (in the traditional sense of the word) in my field, so the attitude you have makes or breaks the day. Today, my attitude was positive :-)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
They were a great couple to work with, and we got a few good shots! The weather was absolutely perfect, so almost all the pictures ended up being taken outside.
I've only finished editing a couple photos but I think I'm going to be pleased with the results.
This one here is my favorite so far.
Can't wait to show the soon-to-be mom and dad their pictures when they're all done!
The beginning of a looooong process.
I was a little nervous to begin with, but I quickly slipped right back into the student role.
I found the material fascinating and enjoyed participating in discussions.
Overall, it was a good experience.
A great way to begin grad school!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Wednesday, I'm meeting with a woman Kimberly works with at Studio 158 to take maternity pictures. The mother-to-be is literally just days before her due date. I've been working on creative ideas, trying to avoid the uber-cheese-factor of most pregnancy pictures I've seen. I have some things in mind, and I'm excited to see how it all turns out! Its a free service I'm providing, since its the first time I've done something quite like this, so there's not too much pressure. Just fun. Mostly. I mean, what's there to lose?
Two new things this week!
Monday, March 5, 2012
I use it to read my bible, to tune my guitar, and as my GPS. I blog from my phone, take pictures, check and respond to emails, and FaceBook. I play games on it, text, and use it to occupy kids at work.
Oh, yeah! Occasionally I use it to make phone calls, too!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Woke up about every twenty minutes.
Gave up about 6:30am. It just wasn't worth it.
Surprisingly, I'm feeling decent today.
Of course, I haven't made it into work yet.
That could make or break me, lol.
Church was good. Uplifting.
I think it's safe to say I'm feeling better today.
- I think my favorite pass time is officially hiking.
- My favorite color is green. Bright green. Like new spring grass.
- Sometimes improv singing is uber therapeutic. The louder and more obnoxious, the better! La la la!
- I love babies. Chubby babies. With cheeks. And those fat rolls where wrists are supposed to be.
- One of my favorite things I own is my walking stick. My dad made it for me and it came from my parents farm. The top of it is the base of the root it grew from, so wherever I go, I take my roots with me :-)
- I'm a momma's boy. And my momma is coming to visit tomorrow. This makes me happy.
- I've never broken a bone in my life. Knock on wood...
- I wanna be a superhero when I grow up! I love superhero video games, movies, comics, etc. Especially Marvel characters. Stan Lee is incredible! Professor X might be my inspiration in life, mind powers and such.
- I love God. God is good. I try serving Him the best I can, but I mess up. A lot. I think I'm suppose to document the ups and downs of it all. Henceforth this blog. When I begin to resemble someone who actually has a clue, I want to make sure I don't forget what it was like... not having a clue. And I hope people relate, feel encouraged, inspired. Or something.
- Sweet pickles over dill, hands down. I know, I know. Few agree.
- Chickens scare me. I had an incident with a rogue rooster as a child. It scarred me. PTSD. Furrealz.
- I'm totally and completely dependent on GPS. I used to think I had a sense of direction. And then I moved to SoCal and realized that if I were a pirate, I'd get lost at sea and die slowly and painfully.
- I like to shower under super hot water. I want it to hurt. Just a little.
- I miss stars. There aren't many starry nights here in SoCal. I used to spend a lot of time out by a campfire at night growing up in IN, just looking at the stars and listening to the frogs. The crackle of the fire. The warmth. And those stars. Twinkling and shining so bright. Perhaps I'll take a night drive into the dessert one of these days. I hear that's some good star watchin'.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
change me. change me. change me. change me. change me. change me. change me.
Friday, March 2, 2012
What will tomorrow bring?
What's the point of today?
And yesterday? What was up with that?
Everything changes, but so much stays the same.
I can't help but wonder about the future, and to hope it brings something... different.
I love where I'm at. I love my career. But I'm tired.
There's never an end. Or a beginning.
Just patterns. Repeating patterns.
Variations are few and far between.
It's a selfish desire to want more.
To feel more. To be more.
Sometimes I just become discouraged and lose sight of the big picture.
Sometimes I just want something final.
Something complete. A product. An achievement.
A "there! got that job done!"
God has a plan. He is big. And in charge.
And he'll be glorified.
That's what matters. That's what matters. That's what matters.
Thursday, March 1, 2012