Bittersweet Visit

I am getting ready to go see Jackson. He is about to turn two years old. Seeing him will be difficult. He is our friend's baby. A very close friend. She was murdered, something that seems to have happened a thousand years ago, yet just yesterday. For a few hopeful weeks we thought that Jackson would be ours, as our dear friend had wanted if something were to happen to her. But it just didn't work out that way. Not getting him is like a mourning process that I'm still experiencing. I'm very nervous about seeing him. I don't want to feel all those things afterwards. Wanting him again. Remembering how much I love him. Thinking about how his mother should be here with him. But I miss him. It will be bittersweet to see him. I wonder how much he has grown.