Re-post: I am unfaithful.

I'm re-posting this because, well, I (heart) the author bunches and I (heart) this post, too! I totally relate!

"Tomorrow, Jansen and I are playing in Bloomingport; our first performance since our highly anticipated collaboration (maybe just anticipated on our part, but still it counts). It’s in the afternoon, and I’m not exactly sure where it is, but considering the town is the size of my thumbnail, I’m sure we can find it. I’m looking forward to it. I like to perform, but the first song is always torture for me. I get so nervous, and I begin to shake terribly. After the first song, I’m usually okay. Another interesting thing is I didn’t use to be this way. I never got nervous. Maybe growing up and growing into one’s own insecurities has something to do with that. It’s not a good thing, but it happens to all of us. Once I think about it, I know that I was never secure about my musical abilities. The only reason I’ve stuck with it this long is because I have such a love affair with it. I desert it for a while, but I always come back.

I’m unfaithful to a lot of things in my life. Well, unfaithful to the things that will not benefit me immediately. I read a book halfway through and leave it on the coffee table for a month untouched. I’m unfaithful to the homework that I procrastinate on continuously. (Which by the way, is much better this semester.) Maybe a better word would be “inconsistent.” But “unfaithful” seems a little more truthful and raw. “Inconsistent” is the type of word that is perhaps a little more politically correct. But I try as often as possible to not be politically correct.

I’m unfaithful to the friends I don’t call because I’m “busy.” I’m unfaithful to my own body, for not treating it as well as I should. I’m unfaithful to myself when I do something or say something that isn’t me because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I talk to God for thirty seconds and then forget to take time to listen; I’m unfaithful.

But I can’t look at this list of “inconsistencies” and just accept them. I can’t just give up on myself. I have to move on and try to grow. And it’s amazing to me what I’ve learned about the world this year: so many people DO give up. Give up on themselves, their dreams, their faith; things that are part of their souls. Let me first say, please do not ever do this. Don’t lose the most important vital part of you. I know in my life it’s not easy. But I would rather face the hardships now and die in peace, than face sleepless nights when I retire wishing for what could have been. Maybe this is all my naivety. But I know I can try. I know I can pray. I know if I ask, God will keep growing me into the person he wants me to be.

And I did not expect this thing to be this long. Ha."

 Thanks, Coby!