gonna still smile

I worked fourteen hours today. Other than being uber long, the shift wasn't too bad.
No off-the-wall craziness. No AWOLing. Nothing too terrible.
But I've not had the best of dispositions lately.

The fruit of my labor never seems quite ripened.  Granted, there are a few outstanding cases, but remember, I'm being whiny here....

Sometimes I just wonder where I'll be in ten years as a result of what I'm doing now. I've been dedicated to the field for the past decade of my life, and I've gotten a lot of satisfaction from it.

But I used to have dreams. Dreams that I can't seem to remember anymore.

This isn't the life I planned on having; spending so very little time with my wife, making so very little money, barring burdens in my heart for so many...

I never had ambitions of building a career on being a 'nice guy.'
I wanted a skill. A trade. A place. 

I wanted to be an artist, a musician, a teacher; something with a title that people could recognize and know what purpose I serve. I wanted a function; a clear contribution.

But I'm not that guy. I'm one of those 'little bit of this, little bit of that' kinda guys.
No one quite knows where I fit or what I do. At work.  In life. 

And either do I, sometimes.

And this, this here, is one of those times. Tomorrow could different. Hopefully it will be... but until then, until I'm back to good 'ol smile-and-mean-it me, well, I'm gonna still smile, I'm just not gonna mean it quite as much as I normally would.