Twisting

On January 1st, I began the new year in a wonderful way. One of the first things I did was check my e-mail, and came across a very touching letter an online friend had sent me. It was very meaningful to read it because, you see, the past few weeks have been very anxiety-riddled for me. God placed a music ministry in my heart a very long time ago, but I constantly fight two battles when I think about this calling. The first battle I face is the question of whether this is what I want, or if this is what God wants. Tammy explains this nasty little conundrum far better that I can here. The second battle I face is a sense of complete foolishness, a long series of doubts I have about my ability and talent, and lack there of. I have strongly felt for a while now that this new year I would have an opportunity to accept God's calling for me or to completely deny it. Both are terrifying, therefore the anxiety. So, in this spiraling mess of thoughts, prayers, dreams, fears, and doubts, here are some excerpts of what I read the first day of this new year:

"(Your song) "Your Clothes" really affected me. For the past few weeks, everything I've done has been shaped partly by that song". . . "The revelation that everything I do is done in clothes given to me by God really hit me" . . . "I wanted to share with you just how great an influence what you write has on people" . . . "So, scary as God's call to music is, don't stop, and don't just wait for something to happen either. You'll need to make it happen (sorry, that's even scarier, and believe me, I know all about that) but with God's guidance of those plans you make, they will bear amazing fruit for His Kingdom" . . . "Anyway, enough rambling. Happy New Year Nate - 2009's got a great story waiting to be told!"

What a great thing to read, and yet its twisting knots into my stomach to think about. And God's calling doesn't quite, it only grows louder and more articulate. "Father, I just want to make You proud . . . " But how?