rein in me

Chances are, I won't post this. Or if I do, I'll probably just get up in the middle of the night and delete it. Sometimes it just helps to write things out. Its hard to be vulnerable. And I don't want to be one of those people, but . . . I've been having a really difficult time with anxiety and depression lately. Some days its one or the other. Other days its a mixture of both. Probably why I have trouble sleeping sometimes. I use to be medicated and sometimes wonder if maybe I still should be, but that never really seemed to help me. Its irrational. Its really about nothing, but in the heat of it it feels like its about everything. Today I just felt afraid. I didn't want to do my job because I was afraid I wouldn't do it right. I was given the opportunity to lead worship this weekend but felt too anxious to do it. The thought of going to growth group made me feel like I had a pit in my stomach. And even though they are all great people and we had great conversations, the pit never went away until I was able to shut the car door behind me to head home. There is a lot to unpack. Some good. Some bad. Some just silly and no unpacking required. I've come to the realization recently that anxiety, depression, and the sense of worthlessness & uselessness I often feel play a big part in my walk with Christ. This is a weakness the enemy can use against me, or a way for God to be glorified, all based on who I allow to rein in my life. God, rein in me.