Sunday, July 1, 2012

MOG 063012

Kimberly held me while I cried in the shower like a baby tonight. Yeah, not awesome. Work was unbelievably... I don't ever know an appropriate word for; it was bad. Bad, bad. My heart is broken for one of my kiddos who discharged today. After a year and a half of making lots of progress, his last memory of his treatment experience will be a terrible one. I probably should leave it at that :-(

My mind has been racing with negative thoughts the past few days and basically I feel like dirt. Dirty dirt. With scum growing on it. Under a pile of pooh. Yep, graphic. Sleep has not been fantastic and I keep having these terrible dreams that all my friends really hate me and I feel terribly lonely and even have panic attacks in the dreams. Not sure if I'm actually going into the attacks in the real world because, well, I'm asleep. But a dream panic attack sucks just about as much as a real one.

And certain things that mean a lot to me just don't seem to be... important. Maybe they are, but they're just not panning out, which leaves me wondering.

And I realized today I'm keeping God within reach but not fully embracing Him. Maybe that's why I feel like this, IDK. I just know surrendering is hard sometimes, even when it should be easy, and I should be reaching out to Him with both arms fully.

And I miss my mom and dad. A lot.

There. I'm done complaining... for now.
Bummer mood log!

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