082613

I had it all worked out.

After months of scheming and arranging, my school, work, and practicum schedules were all coordinated together in harmony.

In doing so, I was mindful of creating more time with my wife, getting more involved in Sunday church services again, and even carpooling to practicum and class with other students to save some money.

It was a thing of glory. That is, until it all fell apart. Several changes have been made since then, none on my accord, and I can thankfully say it could be much worse. But even so, I can't shrug off my disappointment.

This has been a year of none-stop-bang-ups and I've seemingly moved further and further away from all the things I want most in life. Its a difficult list to conceptualize, but there are countless examples of how I've managed to fail at realizing every single one of my dreams, goals, and believed-to-be-callings over the past year.

I naively hoped a simple schedule change would magically make it all just fine. I somehow believed everything would just come together. I should've known better, but I couldn't help but dream something good was just around the bend. When my genius plan fell through, I was crushed. And I still am.

Good things really are right around the bend; just not all the good things I'm longing for.

After the constant stream of failures over the past eight or so months, I can't help but reassess what I'm doing here personally, relationally, professionally, creatively, spiritually, etc., and all this reassessing only takes me down a very negative, dark path.

So instead of reassessing, I'm trying to be reassuring of myself.
But I'm failing at that, too.

Here's to hoping that bend comes quickly, and that whatever good it does hold will be good enough. Of course, I know it always is.