Not sleeping well. Not sleeping well at all.
Lots of unpleasant dreams. Nightmares.
Back in high school failing math with an a-hole teacher. Falling-outs with my mom, who I have a great relationship with in real life, and huge fights with my brother, who I don't really even talk to all that much. Abandoned and hated by friends. Alone. So alone. Revisiting places where I once thought I mattered to find I didn't ever matter at all.
Waking up feeling extra aware of gravity pulling my body into the mattress. Heavy and unable to move. I feel myself being torn from my body and it hurts. I strain my mind to stay inside and reassure myself it's not real and I'm suddenly left alone with just a rapid heartbeat as I'm shocked back into consciousness.
Anxiousness knotted in my stomach. Angry. Hurting. Scared. Lonely.
Most likely the aftermath of some sort of night-terror.
Or the residual effects of all the dreams.
Waiting for it to leave me. Waiting for calm to come.
Realizing God is a prayer away, yet I distance Him in this haze.
I'm going to wake my wife. Tell her I love her. Share with her this wretch. Just to feel. To connect. Then wake my soul to speak to its creator. Share with Him this wretch. Just to feel. To connect.
More blessed. More blessed than I believe.
I know but don't perceived.
Its all there but out of reach.