Sometimes I seek reassurance and find myself fulfilled. Other times I end up sorely disappointed. Maybe today I'll be uplifted by loving words; perhaps tomorrow I will feel inferior after any given interaction.
Its all in my perception.
Then again, could it be that I interpret these social exchanges exactly as God wills me to? Maybe I need to feel uplifted today and inferior tomorrow. Maybe this is His plan for me.
Or maybe these are not distortions; maybe this is reality.
Attempting to push through is exhausting. It's as though my mind operates solely to ruminate over every word said or left unsaid, evaluating my worth and ability to be loved or valued wholly as a person, with or without any convenience or inconvenience I might be in other's lives.
It's effecting my life more than I'd ever care to admit. Despite picking up a ridiculous number of hours, my work ethic has slipped and school hasn't been the priority it was a few weeks ago. After months of dedicated dieting and weight-loss I have managed to pack ten pounds back on in the past three weeks, and under stress and depression I have had significant hairloss. I'm questioning myself and relationships, and worst of all, I have failed to rely on God for strength.
It does seem I've found some relief the past couple days, and am praying the light progressively overwhelms the dark. I am able to apply things I'm learning in school to my own struggles and know that God is always close to the brokenhearted.