Wednesday, June 27, 2012

MOG 062712

Ouch. Today the enemy bit me in the ass. Hard. Its been a while since I've had a day like today. Well, to be more accurate, its been a while since I've felt quite like I did there for a few hours this evening. I've been working on a new song that, at one point, I felt was really powerful and divinely inspired. Maybe that's it. In fact, I know that's it. Usually these storms hit right when I'm in the midst of something I'm feeling really positive about. I'm loving school, I'm feeling good about work again, I'm three pounds away from being in the one-hundreds for the first time in years, I've got a lot going on creatively... there's of lot of exciting things happening in my life. So when I'm struck with this completely overwhelming sense of purposelessness, worthlessness, nothingness... it's like a rug is being pulled out from under me unexpectedly, and I'm hitting the floor hard. After just a few short hours the panic sets in; is this my life again? Am I about to be miserable again? How long is this going to last this time? Sigh... but I refuse to give in to it. I'm clinging to God and speaking directly to the problem. "Not this time!" I'm personifying the depression and anxiety so I can differentiate it from myself; its not who I am, its not part of me. God did not make me like this, and He is my Healer and Savior. This is something outside of myself being imposed on me, therefore its something that can be fought.

Now. I just need to rinse and repeat.
And repeat. And repeat. And...

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