heart song

This past week has been a dark one. Although I still feel the cast of the shadows, God has shown His light in the most incredible ways over the course of the last twenty-four hours.

to love the predatory

Its not just the cruel.
Its the opportunistically cruel.

The predatory.

It sickens me to see. It turns my stomach knowing people are maliciously preyed upon with no sign of justice.

I almost spit in one of these predators' food today. The thought of doing  such a thing disgusts me and I'd never even been tempted like that before, but today.... today.... I was so close.

I didn't. I didn't spit. But the temptation was strong. The vileness in them brought out the vileness in me. I let that happen....

Its time to rely on God. Its always time to rely to God. But right now... right now I need to rely on God to teach me to love to the unlovely, to love in a way mankind is incapable of loving...

To love the predatory.
Not to just say I love them.

To fix their meals.
To keep them safe.
To treat them kindly.

In Jesus name, Amen!

immobile

MOG 063012

Kimberly held me while I cried in the shower like a baby tonight. Yeah, not awesome. Work was unbelievably... I don't ever know an appropriate word for; it was bad. Bad, bad. My heart is broken for one of my kiddos who discharged today. After a year and a half of making lots of progress, his last memory of his treatment experience will be a terrible one. I probably should leave it at that :-(

My mind has been racing with negative thoughts the past few days and basically I feel like dirt. Dirty dirt. With scum growing on it. Under a pile of pooh. Yep, graphic. Sleep has not been fantastic and I keep having these terrible dreams that all my friends really hate me and I feel terribly lonely and even have panic attacks in the dreams. Not sure if I'm actually going into the attacks in the real world because, well, I'm asleep. But a dream panic attack sucks just about as much as a real one.

And certain things that mean a lot to me just don't seem to be... important. Maybe they are, but they're just not panning out, which leaves me wondering.

And I realized today I'm keeping God within reach but not fully embracing Him. Maybe that's why I feel like this, IDK. I just know surrendering is hard sometimes, even when it should be easy, and I should be reaching out to Him with both arms fully.

And I miss my mom and dad. A lot.

There. I'm done complaining... for now.
Bummer mood log!