unclear

"...the Lord knows those who are His..." - 2 Timothy 2:19

Years ago, the great Methodist preacher, Charles Allen, was asked by a wealthy Texas oilman who he believed was our greatest President. Dr. Allen said, "That's easy. LBJ." The man's face turned red with anger. He said, "Dr. Allen, how in the world can you say that lying, scheming scoundrel was our greatest President?" He replied, "Well, one day I was standing in the lobby of a hotel and LBJ came through. He shouted to me, 'Dr. Allen, you keeping those Methodists straight?' The reason I feel he was the greatest President is because he is the only one who knew my name." When important people know our name it makes us feel good. But when they call us by name in front of a crowd, we really feel special. Good news. The most important person who ever lived knows your name. His name is Jesus. He knows everything about you and He loves you, anyway. When you get to know him as Savior and Lord, He'll make you feel important and significant - even more than the President calling you by name.

*Borrowed from HERE

I read things like this and catch myself before completing the thought, "How hokey!" Something about these kinds of sentiments, those of the 'feel good' type, just trigger that response in me. But, as I say, I catch myself before completing the thought, because after a moment or two of processing, I'm reminded of my own deep-seeded desperation to . . . well, feel good.

Spiritual warfare has wreaked havoc within me for as long as I can remember, and the enemy only seems to up the ante (which, after a quick Google search, I just learned is a term deriving from old gambling lingo. Who knew!?). I've always struggled to recognize my place in life and to feel as though I do have some significance, but at times, this struggle becomes almost unbearable.

And such a time is now.

Actually, since around October, the battle has been overall intense, with a spike of the above mentioned unbearable here and there.

I am nothing, no one. I am inadequate and insignificant. Unskilled, untalented, un-gifted, unlovable, unusable.

Purposeless. I have no function. I make no contribution.

I am worthless.

These are the thoughts running through my head, and I can't make them stop. In fact, trying to ignore these thoughts has completely exhausted me. I have a hard time even just wanting them to stop right now. It seems easier to just wallow in self-pity and hatred.

And from behind these lenses I'm perceiving the world through, everything is dark. I've somehow lost control of my own focus, because all my eyes will see is what supports these thoughts and feelings of my meaninglessness.

I attempt to rationalize with myself, I try to address my own illogical thinking, but then it becomes unclear what logical really is.

unclear.

This word resounds within me.

And so, it is clarity that I long for.