"What If?" Part 1: Looking Back Before Dreaming Forward

Recently, I’ve been encouraged to dream big, to ask myself what I’d do in ministry if I could do anything I wanted to. Usually, I consider how I might aide other people in the ministries they’ve developed, so dreaming big for myself is kinda new. As I search my heart for what God has placed upon it, I find a love for hurting people, a desire for community, a passion for music and creative expression, a drive for authenticity, and a push for growth. But, while asking myself, “What if?” the question has really become, "How has?" as I’ve ended up thinking back to things I’ve done in the past that have seemed to satisfy the desires God has placed in my heart and how I’ve served Him best.

• When I worked as a direct care staff with emotionally disturbed youth, I was able to share Christ’s love through day-to-day interactions, and the impact of simply loving these kids was profound. I remember one teen in particular. He had been handcuffed to a bed by his uncle and raped eleven times by several different men. This kid had anger issues, and for good reasons. He was a terror to work with, violent and dangerous, but God placed it in my heart to ask him each evening, “I’m praying for you. Do you have any specific requests?” His response was always a string of creatively arranged profanities. Night after night of chairs flying, threats being made, and even the occasional physical altercation, God faithfully restored the mercy and patience within me to ask, “I’m praying for you. Do you have any specific requests?” The teen slowly began to understand that I really did, in fact care, and eventually he began making prayer requests. Each day as his prayer requests grew more detailed, his behavior grew milder. Then he reached a point where he asked me to not only pray for him, but with him. I brought him sermons on CD and worship music, and he devoured these things. The void left within him from experiencing such horrific abuse was being filled with the Spirit, and he eventually grew to be a role model for his peers.

• I think of myself being in a leadership role, when managing the treatment program I ran. I often hesitate to consider myself a leader, but when I examine the accomplishments I made in that role, I see that God clearly used me there. I enjoyed helping my staff develop an understanding of their individualized skill-set and directing them on how to maximize their potential. I liked being a resource for them to turn to and tending to their needs, as well as providing some structure and discipline. I knew that God was using me in my staffs’ lives when their trust in me began to transcend the typical work scenarios; when they sought my discernment for personal matters and received spiritual guidance.

• I think of songwriting and singing. I love sharing songs from my heart, the authenticity that comes from being vulnerable through music, and the way some songs can make us reflect on our own walk with Christ. I like how a collection of songs can take us on a journey through confession, surrender, worship and praise. Heart Song, for example, was a great experience. I enjoyed the community and fellowship amongst the musicians and writers, and the partnership with Nate C. in organizing the event and the many hours we put into fine-tuning Victory is Yours and other songs. I liked piecing together the graphics for slides, inserts, headers, etc., and conceptualizing the overall feel provided through the visual components. I remind myself of conversations I’ve had with people triggered by songs I’ve helped write, such as a man who came to me once to tell me that he starts every morning by listening to and singing along with Break Me, as a reminder to himself to be humbled and live for Christ alone.

So, instead of dreaming forward, I’ve taken a look back, and thankfully so. Now I’m able to examine these different passions and life experiences for characteristics God designed in me to bring Himself glory. And so far I see:

• Constance and mercy
• Supportiveness and guidance
• Expressiveness and encouraging of others to express

These aren’t things within me to be prideful of, because they are not to my own credit, but to God’s alone. All that is good in me and in this world is Him. Hopefully, after this contemplation of how He has revealed himself to others through me, I’ll be able to prayerfully look towards future ministry opportunities with a more clear vision, and be able to answer the question, “What if?” To be continued . . .